The seven Do’s and Don’ts of divorce and children
The following advice is designed to reduce any harm to your children. It will also put you
in a more favorable light with the Court and any court appointed psychologists should
you be unable to resolve your differences.
You should also keep a parenting journal. You should be aware that this may be
discoverable in a custody proceeding.
“Don’ts”
- Divorcing couples have fights. If you didn’t, you
might not be divorcing! But don’t drag your children
into your fights. Do not bad-mouth you ex-partner in
front of the children, no matter how angry they make
you. Do not put children in a position where they feel
they have to take sides.
- Once you have explained to the children that you are
separating do not discuss the divorce or financial
matters in front of them.
- Do not use your children to spy on your ex-partner.
Don’t ask them who Mom or Dad is now dating.
- Do not try and turn your children against your ex-
partner. It is not only damaging to the children but in
the long run will back fire against you.
- Do not use your children as go-betweens to deliver
messages, money, or anything else.
- If you feel sad or angry, do not seek emotional
support from your children. Use your family or friends
or seek the help of a professional therapist.
- Resist the temptation to be a Disney-land parent
lavishing gifts and trips to win their affection.
Children need to spend quiet time with you and be
interested in all aspects of their life including
homework, friends and activities.
“Do’s”
- Continue to reassure the children that both Mom
and Dad will always love them, no matter what.
Always take the time to listen to your children about
their feelings.
- Assure your children that your separation is not their
fault.
- Try to maintain the child’s regular routine as much as
possible.
- Be punctual on all visitations. If you have to re-
schedule be considerate and give as much notice
as possible.
- Allow your ex-partner to talk to the children on a
regular basis.
- Be cautious about introducing new partners to your
children. Only introduce new partners to the children
if the relationship is serious and only gradually and in
neutral territory rather than the home.
- Take care of yourself. Being a single parent can be
overwhelming and you will need time to cope with
the change. You will present a better role model to
the children if you are positive and healthy.
The dangers of new technologies
Technology such as email can be a wonderful tool to help you communicate with your ex-
partner. But there are dangers. Resist the temptation to use emails, myspace or
telephone messages to vent your feelings of anger or frustration at your ex-partner.
Once you tell your ex-partner in an email or a telephone message what a jerk they are,
you can be sure they will use it in court. Follow these rules:
- Be professional and courteous in all emails and messages.
- Never say anything in an email or message or post anything to your myspace
page that you would not want a Judge to read or hear.
- Never send an email or message in anger. Always wait a day or two to respond
and once you have cooled down. Resist the reply button.
- Do not post pictures of your children on public pages on the web e.g. myspace
© 2007 Warren R. Shiell. All rights reserved. Los Angeles Divorce and Family Law Attorney. The information contained in
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